*Heads up: This entry will contain spoilers for the final season of Game of Thrones
Only twice in my life of television viewing can I recall drastically changing my opinion of a character from loathing to championing.
The first was Todd Manning, introduced to viewers of the long-airing soap opera "One Life to Live" when he and his frat brothers gang raped Marty Saybrook at a party. Over the years, the sincere remorse that his character showed for what he had done to Marty, as well as the odd friendship that he developed with her, led me to let my guard down and learn to care for this character too. I kept the events with Marty in the back of my mind for the many years that I continued to watch the show, but allowed myself to be swept up in the storylines that gave dimension to his character such that he was no longer defined, for me, by that one gravely criminal act.
The second has been Theon Greyjoy. In the first season of Game of Thrones, he shows us no redeeming qualities. He is a shallow, oversexed, callous teenage boy, and the complexities of being raised by one family while being the heir to the lord of the Iron Islands isn't explored. By the second season, he's demonstrated himself to be an uninspiring leader, a traitor to the family that raised him, and willing to kill two young boys to earn his father's favor. In the beginning of season 3, the average viewer is probably thinking that the torture Theon suffers is exactly what he deserves, but for me things started to turn when Ramsey Bolton uses two women to tempt his shell-shocked prisoner Theon, only to castrate him.
I really don't know what someone could do to make me believe that they deserved the life that unfolded for Theon after that. Even as I would recall Theon having killed the two farm boys, lying and trying to pass them off as Bran and Ricon Stark, I found myself applying Game of Thrones realism - That the act was part of playing the Game of Thrones, which is deadly and brutal. Torturing Theon, abusing him into submission, mutilating him, and stripping him of his identity was sadistic, and went beyond just trying to be a lord or king. For me, it was one of the most painful storylines to watch.
It only got harder when Sansa Stark returned to Winterfell to marry Ramsey. There's a case to be made that Theon should have acted sooner to defend Sansa from the disgusting brutality she suffered at Ramsey's hands. But everything in Theon's presence - from his posture to his appearance to his limited dialogue - indicated that he was truly Ramsey's slave. He even slept in the kennels, with Ramsey's hounds. I should probably find the housing appropriate for his crimes but the thing about Game of Thrones is that your normal sense of morality is suspended and your sense of justice changes to accommodate the violent series backdrop. No matter what he had done wrong, I couldn't accept that Theon deserved what happened to him.
As the series went on, I started to think Theon would never redeem himself in the eyes of those who knew him. Ever. He killed Myranda and saved Sansa from certain death if Ramsey had caught them. He helped her flee, pushing her to keep going through the winter snow, through an icy river, until she had been safely delivered to Brienne. From there he returned to the Iron Islands and conceded the throne to his sister Yara, and conspired with her to thwart Yuron's attempts to take the throne. But for every two steps forward, it seemed he took two back. When Yara's fleet was attacked, he jumped ship (like, seriously) while Yara was captured. And when he rescued her, she thanked him by punching him in the face. He might have deserved that.
When Theon returned to Winterfell once again to fight during the Long Night battle, I unexpectedly cried when Sansa greeted him with a hug. The Game of Thrones world is strange and complex and in the real world Sansa might never want to see Theon again, but in the Game of Thrones world, relationships are strange, allies are few, and friends are fewer so you take them.
During the Long Night, Theon was assigned to guard Bran. He was the first character I heard say, "Make every shot count." It seems so small, but most of the battle was futile and Theon seemed to be the only person who was battling thoughtfully. He seemed to understand the gravity of his role. For me, the most powerful moment of the Long Night episode was hearing Bran say to Theon, "You're a good man. Thank you." I didn't think Theon would ever get to hear those words. They seemed to set him free. He died in a pointless attempt to kill the Night King, and I was disappointed in that. But I was happy that he was at rest.
I think every day about the many, many, serious mistakes I've made in my life. They are the kinds of mistakes that I can't really talk about. Things that will likely haunt me until I die. Things that lead me to believe that the tragedies I've suffered are just what I deserve. My friends and family will say to me, "That's ridiculous. That's not possible." But I think maybe it's not impossible.
My joy is always shadowed with grey. It's always weighted with sadness and regret. I love my children so very much, but I also know that they have been given a mother who is burdened by her mistakes, who has been damaged by her own actions, who isn't the best mother she could have been because she's already sent herself down a broken path. My life is full and my blessings are many; still, I know I'll live my life of grey joy and regret, hoping that at the end of it all I will hear, from the One Who Matters, "You're a good woman." And I never rest easy, believing that I will.
