Just the Beginning

For several months I've been telling myself that I need to get a plant for my office.  When I scored a Chia Shrek head through the office white elephant gift exchange I decided he was just what my office needed.  And I decided Friday was the day to start growing him.

On Friday morning, six months plus one day after filing our petition for summary dissolution, I walked into my old stomping grounds at 1215 Truxtun Avenue to request our judgment.

"How long will it take to turn that around?"  I asked the clerk.

"Could take up to three to four weeks."

Three to four weeks until judgment day.  In three to four weeks the self-addressed envelope I submitted with the paperwork will show up in my mailbox, giving its content away before I even open it.  Tears pricked my eyes as I stood before the clerk, allowing the seriousness of the moment to seep into my brain.  I wonder if I will be divorced before or after January 16th, our three year anniversary.

I chewed this all over in my office as my eyes settled on the Chia Shrek box.  Adrienne, one of the secretaries, passed by while I was turning the box over in my hands.

"Do you think today is a good day to start Chia Shrek?"

"I think it's a fantastic day."  With our clerical staff short-handed at the moment, I'm sure Adrienne would rather I do anything but generate more rush jobs for her to complete.

One rush job and an hour later, Chia Shrek was ready to start growing.

I've joined the ranks of the regular working people of America who wait all week for Friday at 5:00. I've come to value the hard-earned Friday night out, and the chance to drink with my friends rather than serve the drinks.  But this Friday, celebratory cocktails didn't feel right.  I didn't feel like I'd earned anything.  I'd never felt like a bigger failure in my life.  For the last six months I've been adjusting to my new single life.  I've accepted that I'm going to be divorced, but I don't think I'll ever accept it as anything but a big failure.  I failed my husband - I should have done a lot of things differently.  I failed my children - I owed them my best effort.  I failed my dogs - Caring for them alone is hard, and they don't get the attention or the exercise they need because I'm just not up to it.  I failed my God - And I'm angry at Him because I feel like He's failed and abandoned me too.  I sent myself to bed early.  No cheese puffs.  No beer.

By Saturday morning I allowed myself to feel better.  In my heart I know I did the best I could at the time, even for all I did wrong.  I know that I want love in my life, a partner to hold my hand and walk my dogs with, too much to stop hoping.  A new year is just around the corner, and I'm keeping my fingers crossed that it holds for me what I've been searching for.