It's as constant as the rising sun.
My phone blinked with the alert and though I've promised I'll be better, I peek at my phone.
"Have you forgotten to enter your period?" my calendar reminds me. Technology is amazing, but not as amazing as my own ability, after having lived in my body for the last 35 years. I'm not late quite yet. Still, I ignore the tell-tale signs. Although I'm routinely asked, few people know how badly I want another baby.
With a subtle cramping in my abdomen, I make plans to set the pregnancy test out tonight, ready to take tomorrow morning. Tomorrow is a lucky number 7. 04-07-2017. A good day to find out you're having another baby.
Unsuspecting but for my suspicions, I go to use the restroom, and just like that the hopes and dreams fall down all around me. The tears fall freely. I can't stop them. I'm not having another baby.
I'm reminded of the admonishments. You're not ready. You're so busy. You're so overwhelmed by the girls already. You;ll never be able to afford to give them all what you want to give them. You've got your two. You'll always have your boy. You have plenty of time. Lots of people have babies much older than you. High risk? Well, lots of women are doing it. Just be happy with what God has already given you.
I am reminded of the regrets. You shouldn't drink so much. You should have taken better care of yourself. Lose some weight first. Space them out a bit more, you overwhelmed yourself the last time. You've rushed into this. You're too eager. You're always so scared that things aren't going to work out.
I am reminded of the dreams. He would be another little boy. Or maybe a third baby girl. I'll call him this. She'll look like that. He;ll ride a red tricycle. She'll cure cancer. He'll be President. She'll win a Grammy Award. He'll learn to tie his shoes. She'll live to be 11 days old. My dreams are at once far fetched and starry eyed, and the things most of you take for granted.
A stained strip of toilet paper circles the bowl, then disappears. A tear falls. An ember of hope extinguishes.
Tomorrow someone will ask. "When is your baby due."
"I'm not pregnant," I'll say.
The next day someone else will ask, "So, are you having more?"
"I guess we'll see," I'll answer.
I guess we'll see.
I cannot pretend I know your pain because all pain is different; all grief is different. But I know what pain is, what grief and disappointment and longing are. I too have 2 beautiful, healthy girls that are full of life and love. They are my whole world. But in our journey to build our family, we lost seven babies...most were lost too early on to know their sex, but one of them was a little girl with a broken genetic makeup that I would’ve carried and held until she took her last breath. We named her Annie Hope. We found out she had died in my womb on May 11th, 2015. This blog in particular reminds me of the countless times I have been in that cycle...hopeful for a new baby, then crushed by something as “trivial” as a menstrual cycle, then determined again to try the following month. It’s a cycle I repeated too many times. There is still a hole in our family I’m unsure will ever be filled. I too, put things away in bags for “next time”. I guess we’ll see.
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