"What does it mean when someone creates a Facebook profile for their dog, and uses it to say things she doesn't want to say herself?" Ben asked Amber.
"They are passive-aggressive."
"That's not entirely true," I corrected Ben. "I don't just use Gideon's profile to say things. I also use it to play Cafe World."
Fellow psychology students might agree with Amber. I've been known to log in as Gideon to back myself up in an argument about politics -- As if posting from a different profile somehow gives more weight to my argument. I do use Gideon's profile to play one of those Facebook games that never ends. And sometimes, I use Gideon's profile to say things that I can't say myself -- not because I don't want to, but because sometimes the feelings are so strong that I need to express them twice.
Today, if Gideon could write a blog, it would look something like this:
"I sure miss my baby brother Gabriel. I wish he were here to pull on my ears. I wish he were here to make my mom smile; I'm starting to think no one can ever make her smile again the way she used to smile.
I wish mom and dad would stop fighting. Don't they love each other anymore? Why can't we all just play? Are we still a family?
I wonder if I'll ever have a new brother or sister again. We have Noelle, but I wonder if dad knows she's just not enough. I wonder if dad knows how much mom cries."
I find I explain myself to Gideon often. "Mommy just misses Gabriel, Bubba. Mommy's sorry she's so sad, I know it upsets you. Mommy is sorry she just doesn't have the energy to play like she used to. Mommy hopes she gets better soon too. Mommy wishes the fighting would stop too."
The fighting seems to have stopped. It's been replaced by silence. And the silence is even more frightening.