Friday, January 27, 2012

Giddy Says

"What does it mean when someone creates a Facebook profile for their dog, and uses it to say things she doesn't want to say herself?" Ben asked Amber.

"They are passive-aggressive."

"That's not entirely true," I corrected Ben. "I don't just use Gideon's profile to say things. I also use it to play Cafe World."

Fellow psychology students might agree with Amber. I've been known to log in as Gideon to back myself up in an argument about politics -- As if posting from a different profile somehow gives more weight to my argument. I do use Gideon's profile to play one of those Facebook games that never ends. And sometimes, I use Gideon's profile to say things that I can't say myself -- not because I don't want to, but because sometimes the feelings are so strong that I need to express them twice.

Today, if Gideon could write a blog, it would look something like this:

"I sure miss my baby brother Gabriel. I wish he were here to pull on my ears. I wish he were here to make my mom smile; I'm starting to think no one can ever make her smile again the way she used to smile.

I wish mom and dad would stop fighting. Don't they love each other anymore? Why can't we all just play? Are we still a family?

I wonder if I'll ever have a new brother or sister again. We have Noelle, but I wonder if dad knows she's just not enough. I wonder if dad knows how much mom cries."

I find I explain myself to Gideon often. "Mommy just misses Gabriel, Bubba. Mommy's sorry she's so sad, I know it upsets you. Mommy is sorry she just doesn't have the energy to play like she used to. Mommy hopes she gets better soon too. Mommy wishes the fighting would stop too."

The fighting seems to have stopped. It's been replaced by silence. And the silence is even more frightening.


  1. I'm sorry to hear. So sorry. Love you and thinking of you.

  2. Im not sure what I like better, reading your posts or waiting for the part of the song where she starts screaming! I feel like screaming lately or to take a hot shower and just cry .... a lot. I talk to Ruger too, asking if he misses his brother, as if i'll get a response. I hope you can get things straightened out.. someway somehow.

  3. Lots of hugs to you sweetie!!!! I'm so very glad you do have Gideon and Noelle....animals give that unconditional love no matter what the situation is. I always say that if my animals could would be interesting. :)

  4. I so remember the many times of planting my face in my cats fur while the tears flowed. I so remember telling her things I couldn't quite verbalize to another human being. And I SO remember the loss I felt when I had to tell her goodbye last year my friend and confidant, my pillow and my calming force. We all need something to keep us going something to keep the "monsters in our head" at bay. I am so sorry for the pain you are feeling life can be so harsh and so wonderful all in one breath. Sending Hugz over the miles kiddo.