McDreaming

I am a McSteamy kind of girl.

Anyone who watches Grey's Anatomy knows what kind of guy Dr. McSteamy is, so they can also presume what kind of girl I am, what I look for in a man.  The thing is, I never really know I'm looking for it, or at it.  Not until I'm in too deep, anyway.  I like 'em troubled.  I like 'em self-destructive, with addictive personalities, daddy issues, sometimes even suicidal.  I guess there's something exciting about that.  What's exciting, I guess, is when I find my way inside of them, when they let me see that they're not damaged, that they're actually very vulnerable.  It makes me feel special, I guess, to be the person that "cracks" them, that person that they allow to get close.  The things is, I'm really not special.  I'm just the one willing to put up with it.

Then, when they hurt me - and they inevitably will, part of the thrill is knowing that's coming, I think - I can say that it's okay, that they're kinda screwed up, that I did the best I could.  I suppose there's some comfort in knowing he's more screwed up than me.  I can just tell myself that he just didn't know how to be loved.

I recently made the mistake of falling for a McDreamy.  A McDreamy has minimal damage.  He's stable.  He's safe.  He's got baggage but he carries it well.  And he's too smart for a girl like me.  

Grey's Anatomy has done women like me a disservice by misleading us into believing that McDreamy-type guys will patiently wait for you to figure your shit out and that they'll even love you not just in spite of it, but because of it.  For a McDreamy, a girl like me is exciting and a little intriguing and there's a thrill in not knowing what part of my personality they're going to get to see.  But it's just a matter of time before a McDreamy will realize that I'm just too much to take on.  I don't carry my baggage so very well, after all.

I want to be safe.  I want to be stable.

I want someone safe.  I want someone stable.

I just don't know how to let myself be, or let myself have, those things. I don't know how to let myself believe - really believe - that I deserve those things or that I deserve the love and affection of someone who is those things.  I want the things that I've been McDreaming of, but I don't know how to just have the simple faith that they can be mine.